I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
