So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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