Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
