i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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