There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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