Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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