I wish my penis had an off switch
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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