Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
