If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
