Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
