Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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