So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
