I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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