I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Houston, we have a blender
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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