There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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