Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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