onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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