i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You dont lie about slip and slides
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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