ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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