does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
