If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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