i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
