Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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