my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
