I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
