i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
