You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
