yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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