just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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