you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
