Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
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