why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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