my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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