I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
