I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
