he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
