Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
