walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
