just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
