you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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