Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
