Will you blow on my dice?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
