New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
