Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
