After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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