i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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