They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
