Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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