I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
