I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We are two peas in an std pod
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
