My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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