i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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