I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
